I Hate Myself For Hating You
Ever had that feeling whereby you love someone so much but yet on the other hand, despise them just as much? I do. She's my bestfriend, she has been there almost all my life. I have known her since I was 12 and we've shared a lot of ups and downs together, gone thru stormy weathers and even encountered suicide in a funny manner. Heck, I'm even rhyming now. Yea, you get the point. We have been like pods in a pea (too much Forest Gump). We've even been in the same high school classes from age 13 to 17, same collage, same class (again) and now, even same company and same department. we even share the same friends.
Maybe it's because we have been together so much, I'm starting to feel that I need distance from her. I didn't feel this so much when I was a teenager but I started feeling strangled by her existance was when I was 16. I started distancing from her, making my own friends. It was ok for a while until we got to collage where we needed each other (cos we didn't have any other friends). 2nd year of collage was better as she had her own group of friends and I had mine. She went off to Aus to further her studies and I finished with a diploma and found a job. I still hung out with my collage friends tho. When she came back from Aus, she started hanging out with the people I hung out. And I got her a job in the same company (which I slightly regret but won't admit). It's nice having her around but at times, I can feel very negative about it.
Before she joined my company, I was very sociable and tried my best in everything I did. When she came into the picture, she was the center of attention as she was prettier, more outgoing, louder and smarter. I, on the other hand, took a backstage. I gave up trying and instead, passed all my work to her for her excellent touch. I lost all joy in going to work, now work is a routine for me. I especially hated it when she finds my faults (when I did something and there was an error), she tends to make it into this humongous thing and I'd be so embaressed, wish-the-ground-would-open-up-and-swallow-me type.
I also dislike it when she tries to control and tell me what to do. I know she's smart and all but I too need to have my own life. When we were in high school, she used to pick out what I should wear and what makeup I should put on. I hated it but never once protested cos I didn't wanna hurt her (I never did and never ever want to). Maybe it was her way of saying that she cares for me but I just didn't like it as sometimes the things she ask me to wear or do are from her taste, not mine (I sound like a whiney lil bitch here).
When it comes to friends, I feel that my friends rather go to her with everything and in the short time that she's been back, everyone has gotten so close to her, even more than I can ever get with them throughout the time I've known them (even people who she has never met before and joined out group when she was in Aus).
I don't blame her for any of this as I know she is a very capable girl. She possesses many great qualities that I can only hope to have half of. I blame myself for being such a failure. I give up too easily, I bitch too much, my mood swings are horrendous, I'm over sensative, I get jealous easily, I possess low self-esteem and too many more to go on about. I know that if Pink reads this, she's gonna go tsk tsk tsk and tell me that I shouldn't think this way. I have expressed these to her before and she has advised me on it too but I just can't help how I feel and I feel that I have to put it out in words to remind myself in the future of how a "fantastic" *rolls eyes* friend I am.
Now, this is why I have to open another blog, to bitch out my thoughts and feelings that can hurt people that I actually love and care about. These are things I don't want my "friends" to know, they must not know. The only persons whom I can be completely honest with is Pink and Matty. I've told this to Original once before but I told him to forget about it after. This is me, evil, the other side of Gem...
I must mention again, how can one love someone so much but yet despise them just as much?
Maybe it's because we have been together so much, I'm starting to feel that I need distance from her. I didn't feel this so much when I was a teenager but I started feeling strangled by her existance was when I was 16. I started distancing from her, making my own friends. It was ok for a while until we got to collage where we needed each other (cos we didn't have any other friends). 2nd year of collage was better as she had her own group of friends and I had mine. She went off to Aus to further her studies and I finished with a diploma and found a job. I still hung out with my collage friends tho. When she came back from Aus, she started hanging out with the people I hung out. And I got her a job in the same company (which I slightly regret but won't admit). It's nice having her around but at times, I can feel very negative about it.
Before she joined my company, I was very sociable and tried my best in everything I did. When she came into the picture, she was the center of attention as she was prettier, more outgoing, louder and smarter. I, on the other hand, took a backstage. I gave up trying and instead, passed all my work to her for her excellent touch. I lost all joy in going to work, now work is a routine for me. I especially hated it when she finds my faults (when I did something and there was an error), she tends to make it into this humongous thing and I'd be so embaressed, wish-the-ground-would-open-up-and-swallow-me type.
I also dislike it when she tries to control and tell me what to do. I know she's smart and all but I too need to have my own life. When we were in high school, she used to pick out what I should wear and what makeup I should put on. I hated it but never once protested cos I didn't wanna hurt her (I never did and never ever want to). Maybe it was her way of saying that she cares for me but I just didn't like it as sometimes the things she ask me to wear or do are from her taste, not mine (I sound like a whiney lil bitch here).
When it comes to friends, I feel that my friends rather go to her with everything and in the short time that she's been back, everyone has gotten so close to her, even more than I can ever get with them throughout the time I've known them (even people who she has never met before and joined out group when she was in Aus).
I don't blame her for any of this as I know she is a very capable girl. She possesses many great qualities that I can only hope to have half of. I blame myself for being such a failure. I give up too easily, I bitch too much, my mood swings are horrendous, I'm over sensative, I get jealous easily, I possess low self-esteem and too many more to go on about. I know that if Pink reads this, she's gonna go tsk tsk tsk and tell me that I shouldn't think this way. I have expressed these to her before and she has advised me on it too but I just can't help how I feel and I feel that I have to put it out in words to remind myself in the future of how a "fantastic" *rolls eyes* friend I am.
Now, this is why I have to open another blog, to bitch out my thoughts and feelings that can hurt people that I actually love and care about. These are things I don't want my "friends" to know, they must not know. The only persons whom I can be completely honest with is Pink and Matty. I've told this to Original once before but I told him to forget about it after. This is me, evil, the other side of Gem...
I must mention again, how can one love someone so much but yet despise them just as much?
posted by ms3Gem at 9/27/2005 02:37:00 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home