What Can't Be Seen Or Heard, Is Best

I do respect the way Banana does things. I never would have thought that there would be a day that I would actually agree to what he does. All this while, I have disagreed with his actions and judgements. When he hid his relationship with Sam from us and the time he lied to $$ when she confronted him of his relationship status, I have always thought that he made wrong moves. Now that I see him with Sam, I know that he does make right moves, even though it may seem wrong to us.

Why would I say this...? I had long thought about how my group of friends work. We go yumcha, joked, laughed, bitched, advised and even shared tears together. Yes, we've been through a lot but there is no denying that we also share a certain amount of dislike towards one another. This, we do not ever say out but instead keep in our hearts and maybe tell it to the few who are closer to us in confidelity.

You must be thinking where this Banana and our group thing is going. Let me get to it now. Banana has never told us of Sam existance in his life for the longest time. Even now, after we have known that she is his gf, he hardly brings her out yumcha with us. It's only on certain occasions that he will bring her out and usually he will come yumcha with us alone then go see Sam after. I have always wondered why he does this. Even when we request that he brings her out with us more often, he doesn't.

Now, thinking about it, I do think it's a smart move on his side. Seeing as we're some times bitching about each other, it's best that Sam doesn't know and hence, less problems for her. Banana is so unlike the rest who has partners, whereby when a relationship goes wrong, one will look for someone close in the group and talk about it and the other person has to carry the burden of that person. Since Banana doesn't confide in us about his problem (if he had any) with Sam, we always precieve them as a happy couple, problem free. Maybe they do have problems but they settle it within themselves and when they're out yumcha with us, they're just so lovey-dovey and happy. And Sam on the other hand, does not have to carry the burden and darkness that dwells within our group.

I know that it is our nature (in our group) to care for each other and be there for each other, if not, what are friends for? But when one bitches too much or about the same thing over and over again, it becomes annoying and irritating and the other party will have these feelings towards that person but won't tell it to them but instead, tells it to someone else in the group and together, they will have this ill feeling inside them towards that one person. So, it's a never-ending cycle and problems within our group can never be settled, just as it has been happening for years now.

Some times, ignorance is bliss.
Some times, one has to be cruel to be kind.

Pink, I know you're an avid reader of my blog. If I have hurt your feelings in these last 2 blog, I'm sorry but I can't deny that this is what I feel. Don't doubt that I do love everyone in the group cos I do. You guys have been a family to me already but I just can't stand these ill feelings shared for one another inside each of us. I also know that there is no way of changing it as we've some this far, surviving like this and manage to still be together. Telling the truth will be worse now as it's been like this for too long now. I guess, we have to continue going on like this and maybe just blank out the ugly side of things. As you said, be a selfish evil bitch that don't give 2 fucks about others. I just wanna rant everything out in my blog, makes me feel better. So, don't mind me. Somehow, this reminds me of when SD6 found out about your blog. You were sharing all your thoughts and feelings about him honestly but quietly not letting him know and now that he knows, you feel better. Same goes, I just want to let it all out, quietly.

Bitterness

I think I might need time to be by myself once again. Yes, it's that time again, where I feel the need to get away from it all and just concentrate on myself.

I have been seeing and hearing many negative things lately and this brings me to 1 conclusion, there is so much bitterness everywhere, even among my group of friends.

WARNING: If any of my friends come across this blog, I caution you that this may bring some unwanted feelings and therefore I ask of you to read this with an open heart. Afterall, this is MY blog and I have a right to put anything and everything I feel and think. You have been warned!

Was at Cin's hens nite earlier. Didn't wanna go because of 2 reasons. 1 is because I have no more money. My company is yet to issue our cheque and seeing as the Deepavali and Hari Raya is next week, I will not be able to get my money until the 2nd week of November. This is just so sad as I am so broke and i have never in my whole life felt like this before. No matter how bad the situation is, I always had money for rainy days. Anyways, back to Cin's hen nite. 2nd reason being that my ex's sister is 1 of Cin's bestfriend and I knew that she was gonna be there. I didn't like the feeling of awkwardness but Cin insisted that there would be nothing and that I have to go.

So, I went, with G, Hammie, Meow and Pink. There was indeed awkwardness but not between Carmen (my ex's sis) and me, but it was between Cin's other friends and my group. We just didn't click. Maybe it's because it's the 1st meeting and the group was big, hard to socialize. It was also because neither groups tried to socialize with each other, they kept to themselves and we kept to ourselves. All in all, I didn't think it was all too bad but my friends did. Yes, the place was a bit too small and hence stuffy, we didn't get along and there was only water (which was not much) or alcohol to drink. There were many downsides to it but there were upsides as well, they did try to make an effort to make things work. We were welcomed with warm greetings even though they didn't get along. The food was homecooked but at least they tried. It was partly our fault for not informing them that we will not staying long and joining them clubbing and it was also kinda wrong to leave so early, not playing their game (it's like we were chickening out).

I admit that I am a bitchy person but when I heard the others bitching non-stop, I got a bit annoyed. What's done is already done and there's no point bitching about it. Maybe we could make a better party than them, by learning from their mistakes. I'm pretty sure that Cin's other friends think that we're stuck-up, snobby bitches, just like how we preceive them as prim and proper, rich girls.

What is the world coming to? With all this bitterness and negativity around. It's like as if people has come to embrace the ugly side of life instead of thinking about the more prettier part of life. I think it's because of this that we all die young or wanna try to die young because we're fed up with life. This is also the cause for everyone to have problems and be more burdened by it each day. If only everyone can think positively, we would all be happy bunnies.

A Fairytale That Finally Turned Out Rite (I think)

The happy (so it seemed) couple has finally decided to pull the reigns on the horse ride, last Sunday. Meow was devastated, called G and Pink out for drinks at Friendster. I was so-happened to be that area and decided to join them. Found out Hammie decided to pack her stuff and leave, for good.

As usual, tears were shed, advices were given and taken, ciggies were kept burning, water was kept refilling and feelings were expressed. We thought that by the time we left, we made a great impact on her and knocked some sense into her. How wrong we were when we found out that she was hiding the truth behind the 'I-pulled-myself-back-from-asking-her-to-stay'.

We left Friendster at about 11pm and went to TL to meet up with Hammie. Was not a good nite cos when we left Friendster, G's car tyres were flat. Had to go to a station to pump it up but seemed like it was still leaking. Anyways, all was alright when Pink went back to take her car and we went to pick G.

Hammie was saying that she regrets many things but there's no way she can retrace her steps. She still cares for Meow, just not love her. She was talking about her relationship with her ExL, so emotional and touching that Hammie really teared.

My thoughts are that this is for the better cos everyone else could see that it was a disaster in the making, even from the beginning. It's only the 2 main players who didn't see it coming.

Well, Meow was still very much teary for the 1st half of the week but on Tuesday nite, Hammie gave her a good one by being cruel to her to tell her that we will be going yumcha but ask her not to come along. Hammie called her back a few minutes later to explain that it's because it was already so late and nto safe for her to travel so far, so late. Since then, Meow has been able to hold back her emotions but expressed (indirectly) to me yesterday that she actually have a lot of problems but just that she doesn't wanna say it out cos she was afraid we'll get tired of her. I kept quiet cos I think it's best she settles her problems, herself as she isn't really good at taking advices.

G's B'Day

G's birthday is actually today but because we have to come back to the office to work, we had to celebrate it a day earlier. Besides, we were suppose to go to PD for the weekend but was dropped a bombshell by Ffish on Friday that no matter what, we had to get everything done by the weekend, even if we have to come back t o work on Saturday and Sunday. So, here I am, sitting at the office, waiting for creative to finish up the webpage then we can send out to the merchants for approval.

Anyways, back to G's birthday story. After finding out that PD had to be cancelled, I decided that since we're not gonna spend that amount of money on PD, we might as well spend it on G's birthday bash. Immedietly after finding out we had to work on weekend, I mass messaged the whole gang to tell them that trip has to be cancelled and instead we will be celebrating G's birthday at thie Fondue place on Sunday night but was informed by Hammie that G has an appointment on Sunday night. So there I go again, mass messaged everyone to inform them that it'll be on Saturday night instead.

Was out in the morning till evening with G. She didn't suspect anything as I told her I will be taking her out for dinner alone. When we got there, she was suprised but admitted that she suspected things from the way I react towards phonecalls and smses. Anyhows, she was happy. We went Friendster after that and had 6 jugs of beer between the 9 of us. I have to admit, I was so tipsy after that I couldn't even walk straight. There was yumcha at TL but I just wanted to go home and sleep it off.

The downside to the whole escapade was that $$ and Boy was "mengada-ing" the whole nite. She being the helpless damsel in distress and him being the hero in shining hair (hahahaha). When she complains that her hand feells numb from all the alcohol (unbelievable such things happen? BELIEVE IT!) he will hold her hand (long was that hold). When he says his camera has no more battery, you will see them taking a picture (just the 2 of them) non-stop. What the hell is that???

With having to come back on a Sunday to work, not being to fulfill my church obligations and yesterday's episode with $$ and Boy, I am so worked up. Feeling so damn pissed about everything.

Everything's Going Downhill From Here

This has been the worse week ever. Things have not been going well for me and even my colleagues. It's like one bad news after another. even with friends, it's like every time we meet up, some more bad news will "drop" by.

1st, Original told me yesterday that he is planning to resign after he goes for his interview at the International company who is paying him RM5K (negotiable). His interview is this Saturday. I know it's a good move for him, comparing it to now. Afterall, he getting a miserable salary when he has to handle 2 websites, create webpages for the merchants, create banner and advertising materials, and now even have to handle production. I would be very happy if he gets the offer but yet I'd be very sad cos he's the only one in the office that I can bitch to about everything. He makes me happy to come to work some times. Being with him is so comfortable and I can be myself. I confronted him by saying that he means a lot to me and I will be very sad if he really leaves. Of course I said it as a friendly manner even though I have to admit that I have a little crush on him.

Next, he tells me that Ffish wants to fire Other. I knew it was coming. In fact, a lot of us already knows about it but we kept it hushed. Her reason for not wanting him is that he is too slow in his work. That I have to agree. He can take ages to finish up 1 webpage when Original only needs half a day to do it. But regardless, I think he is ok as he actually does his work and it would be so unfair if Ffish just fires him without warning. I believe that everyone deserves a fair trial by giving them a second chance and a warning beforehand. Any way, I found out from Original today that he has already warned Other about it and advised him to resign before being fired. Original told him to resgin after he resigns. This kinda proves that Original wants to resign already.

Last nite, G told me she is suspicious of the company. She informed me that Ffish is not even inviting the 2 of our strategic partnership to come to the press conference. How can that be, when all we use for procuring the merchants are these 2 major credit card "labels". There is a lot of fishy business going on in this company and I kinda know the whole story from getting bits and pieces all over. During the launch and even after the launch, there will be even MORE screw ups as our backend is not strong enough to support such a major and complicated program. Now as it is, we're already receiving a lot of shits. Just a few minutes ago, we lost 2 merchants, due to our "friendly" bank who was so "duh" by making such a big bu-bu. Because of that, even if we tried to rectify the situation, there is no more trust from the merchant and so they just decided to drop out.

This morning, ML asked Meow and me into the meeting room. He dropped the bomb that he has already tender in his resignation. His last day will be either 18 or 19 of this month. Immediately, my eyes teared up. He said it's something good as he is getting a better offer (5 figure salary) and he needs it. I wish him luck and all the best but yet my heart aches. I will miss him so much even though he used to be a stand-alone kinda guy previously, but as time went by, the team has turned into a family. He is my mentor, I run to him for everything. I'm afraid I will be so lost without him. I will miss his sarcastic manner with me.

I just have been feeling so down that my eyes are so "thin" and moved so easily to tears. I feel like I just wanna curl up on my bed (preferbably with someone), lock my room and cry my eyes out. I feel so miserable...

Would you like some Bitches.. I mean, Peaches with that?

It's a dog eat dog world. It's either you hate someone or be hated by someone. Same goes with my group of friends. We love each other so much but yet we still find faults with each other that bugs us. This kinda hate is different from what I have previously mentioned in "I hate myself for hating you". This is a hate which can be classified as serious but yet not so serious.

I guess it's serious cos it's been going on for a long time now and yet we have no guts to spill it out. It's not so serious because it's a passing phase. It will fade with time and it will still come back some time later and the whole episode will repeat itself. Maybe we're all just being mega drama queens. Trust me, if we were to produce a drama, it would have won the grammys, prolly every year.

Went yumcha last nite with Pink, G, Hammie, Meow, Banana and Ch'ng. Before Banana and Ch'ng joined us, we were talking about $$ and I found out that Boy fancies her, since our Penang trip. I suspected something but dared not confirm it until last nite. Anyways, he has been protecting her dutifully whenever we say something about her (which really did happen). We were also talking a bit about Ch'ng. Basically bitching the nite away. When Ch'ng arrived with Banana, we just talked about $$. Pink actually lied to Ch'ng that she was out with her highschool mate and we had to coverline for her. The reason her not wanting to see Ch'ng was because Ch'ng recently go out of a bad relationship with Ndrew and needed someone to comfort her. Pink doesn't mind doing it but it's the same story, same episode and same comforting words, so much so, she has nuthin more to say to Ch'ng and is getting bored with the whole senario.

The episode with $$ is that she is being very fake when she's in front of Boy. She will purposely cough to get his attention and act vulnerable when he's around. She has also started dressing up and putting on makeup even though its only a yumcha session at TL. Well, love is blind and therefore, we feel Boy is SO blind. The worse thing about $$ is that she insist people drive her around when she can drive and has a car. She will insist on things and you will have no say in it, if you try to back her down, she'll stomp her feet, get mad and throw a tantrum. She always have to be Ms. Right.

This is so like last time with Ch'ng, Banana and Lye. We spent almost every nite talking about it (more like bitching about it) and in the end, had no conclusion. We just left it as it is and we are still friends till today. All episode and ill-feelings were put aside (for awhile) and now it's all coming back again *thinks of a song* (It's all coming, all coming back to me now...) I actually couldn't sleep last nite, just thinking about this but still no conclusion. Didn't help that I was also very much bothered about work. All in all, I think I only got about 2 hours sleep. I'm so stoned and tired now. And the plus the fact that I was running up and down the whole day, preparing and amending things for my bosses, didn't help. I actually started this entry at 9.50am and now is already 3.15pm. Haih...

Blabber Mouth?

I wonder... Am I a blabber mouth?

2 days ago, I went for Fish Leong concert (I know... I know... I said I didn't wanna go). Here's the story. Gent, Boy, $$ and me went down to KL bcos $$ had to return some stuff in KLCC. I decided that it would be best that I go for the concert too as not to bother the rest to send me home then head back to KL for the concert. Afterall, my tickets were only RM50, for VIP seat. Anyways, it was real good (my 1st every live concert) but it didn't help that even before the concert, I had a migrain that wouldn't stop trobbing. During the concert, it got worse cos of the noise and lights.

Now, after the concert, we went yumcha at TL. G was telling Hammie and Meow about a job offer she got a day before. I was only half listening bcos my head was just killing me. Suddenly, G looked at me and said, "You better not tell anyone about this or..." I didn't hear the rest bcos I cut her off saying that I didn't hear anything. She stared at me for awhile (prolly thinking to believe me or not) and then continued talking to Hammie and Meow.

After that incident, I woulnd't stop thinking to myself if I am such a blabber mouth? So much so, my own bestfriend has to warn me of things to say and not to say. Maybe I have let things slip out before and maybe I have said things I shouldn't say to certain people before (most of the time when I do this, I think it's nothing too serious and can be told to that person).

My conclusion is, I still don't know if I am a blabber mouth or not. But I do know that I keep a lot of secrets in me. I listen to a lot of things and there are many things that I know and people don't know but would like to know. I guess readers of this blog will know that I know quite a few things *he he*

Tipsy

My last entry was done in a tipsy state. Amazing how I still managed to get so much out. I was so tired when I was typing but felt like I NEEDED to get it all out before I hit the sacks, or I might not be able to have a peaceful sleep. I finally didn't get a peaceful sleep. I woke up around 8.15am, on a SATURDAY (for crying out loud).

Will be going out with $$, Boy and Gent later. We'll be heading to KLCC but I think Gent wants to buy comics in Sungai Wang. I am gonna make myself happy by getting myself a charm bracelet at Risis. Have always wanted to get a Risis charm bracelet but haven't had the chance to. Tonite, I'll be alone as $$, Pink, G, Boy and Gent will be going for Fish Leong concert. I don't know much chinese and didn't see a point in spending that amount of money on something I only vaguely have interest in, even tho the company is good.

Oh well, better for me to catch up on my church stuff. I cannot take it anymore, it's taking too much commitment from me. I have to sacrifice every Sunday for it and be sure that I'm home early on Saturday as the next day I have to get up early. I even have to use a lot of money on calling the students to remind them of things and stuff. I have already decided that the moment my batch confirms, I'm leaving. I know, I ain't a good role model at all but I can't help it. I'm pressed for time and energy. I hope God will forgive me and look back on the 4 years I've been serving church.

Politics @ Work

Whether my bosses or my collagues like to admit or not, there is politics at our workplace. It's just that no one knows about it but me. This is because I mix with everyone in the company, from my own department (marketing), to creative, to operations, to IT and even to administration. I hear things I don't want to hear and don't like to hear.

30 September 2005 is Elyn's last day at LEO. A bunch of us decided to have a farewell dinner in SS2. The few of us were Elyn, Joyce, Flora, Eunice, Annie, Dan, Phan, Jon KF and Ms. Tan. Elyn, Joyce, Dan and Flora is from Operation Dept. Annie is from Admin. Eunice is from Creative Dept. Phan and Jon KF are ex-LEO and Ms. Tan helps out with Admin occasionally.

I got the chance to ask Joyce if they didn't like Marketing people and she admitted that they find the Marketing team a bit standoffish. I have to admit that Marketing has our own culture and we tend to stick to our own kind as we hangout after office hours and we talk our own lingo.

Eunice was saying that she doesn't want Hammie to help her out in the Creative and feels that she is better suited in Marketing. There were a few complains that Hammie can be irritating at times and she is always online chatting. Yes, I have to admit that she is always chatting at work with Meow. Meow on the other hand, doesn't socialize with the other department people and neither does CF. Needless to say, G (as a newcomer) hasn't been socializing with other departments as well, besides IT as she occasionally have probs with her pc. Mike is a stand-alone, he doesn't talk to anyone (besides Marketing people) unless he has to.

I don't blame other departments disliking the Marketing team as people need to get to know them better and blend in with them as I have mentioned, they have their own lingo and culture. As for Marketing not being able to blend with others, it's because they don't have the time to and there is no need for them to purposely walk over to other departments to socialize (bosses would think they are "snaking").

I have to admit that during dinner, I was a bit awkward and out of place even though I like all the people there and I get along fine with them but I felt like they had to watch their words when I'm around as they know that I'm very buddy with the Marketing team as well (how can I not be? I'm in Marketing afterall). G asked me, when we were on the way to Friendster for drinks after dinner, if i had the chance to ask about who told Ffish that Marketing was standoffish and I lied to her saying that I didn't ask. She asked why I didn't ask when there was a good oppurtunity to and I lied again saying that I have friends in other departments as well as Marketing so it's a hard position for me to ask. I feel so bad for lying but I believe that some things are better left unsaid. This is like a senario where the gf ask the bf if she looks fat. To tell a white lie will save a lot of relationships, politics and arguements in this case.